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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29909727">Puppy Drabbles</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/prpis/pseuds/prpis'>prpis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hanna-Barbera, Scoob! (2020), Wacky Races</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Absurd, Angst, Babies, Comfort, Drabble Collection, Fatherhood, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Mild Hurt/Comfort, One Shot Collection, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parody, Pet Bonding, Pet Owner, Romance, Satire, What Have I Done, Whump, at this point this just a compilation of dastardly and muttley stories pffft, dog owner, ooc? never heard of them, puppy dog cuteness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:40:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,253</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29909727</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/prpis/pseuds/prpis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of drabbles that take a sneak peek into how Dick Dastardly and Muttley deal with regular, dog related situations- but always with a villainous twist. Expect scritches, slobbery kisses, tail wagging, and large, dopey eyes- but also expect out of the way one-shots dealing with these characters. You have been warned. Ratings are based on each one-shot, check each chapter for the characters you're looking for.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dick Dastardly &amp; Muttley, Dick Dastardly/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Fetch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>What have I wrought on myself? I liked the idea of Dick and Muttley doing cute things with each other so much, I actually wanted to write more on the side with them. Some drabbles could be longer than others, turning into one-shots, and others could be much smaller. I'll update if I'm in the mood. Either way, expect cuteness.</p><p>These stories are dedicated to my sister's own dog, Mishka, whom I took inspiration from when writing Muttley. Live long and prosper, puppy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dick threw his bag down on the ground in a huff. Standing at the edge of the backlot of the hotel wasn’t exactly where he imagined being for his morning weekend. If only they weren’t on the road right now, he wouldn‘t have to be suffering from this indignity. But, if he wanted to avoid Muttley from bothering him too much for the rest of the day, he had to let him take the energy out on at least something. And if they were going to be stuck at a hotel while they had to do this, then so be it- as long as no one else saw Dastardly debase himself like this.</p><p>It first started out as a seemingly innocent action when Muttley was a pup. At first, it was just a short burst of runs around the house. Well alright fine, so Dick had ordered him to jog around outside so that he’d stop running the man ragged around the place. But then he started rushing around in circles in the backyard, barking at what Dick thought to be nothing but air (or even a stray pigeon). He didn’t care, as long as the cur didn’t destroy anything within his vicinity.</p><p>But then Muttley started to get antsy around the shop. A few nips on the hand, some extra growling and muttering. That didn’t matter to Dick, he would always just backhand the dog with a either a sharp word or a tap on the head to not bother him.</p><p>But then one day, he was greeted in his garage by thrown parts, spilled oil, loose foam from a torn cushion, and a very guilty dog with large, begging eyes.</p><p>As such, a compromise had to be made. If Dastardly didn’t want a dog with any unfocused (and just plain destructive) energy, a change in routine had to be made. And the only way Dastardly could think of getting all that energy out was…this.</p><p>The sudden pull on his leg made him return to the matter at hand.</p><p>Muttley had only pulled slightly with his teeth to get Dick’s attention again. The dog shook his tail and took a few whiffs of the travel bag, trying to paw into its contents even though it was zipped closed. He looked to Dastardly with expectant eyes and a sheepish smile.</p><p>Dick brought his hands up in exasperation and scoffed. “Look, I know, I know! I haven’t forgotten, you mismatched mutt.” He went down on his knees on the messy grass, opened the backpack and started digging around. “Like I could forget why I dragged myself all the way here in the first place,” he lowly grumbled to himself.</p><p>The dog bent down on his legs to watch carefully, making sure no mistakes were made during this procedure.</p><p>Dastardly felt the round fuzziness of what he was looking for. “Ah, here it is,” he noted, cupping the tennis ball in his hand and taking it out. Muttley immediately stood up straight on his four legs, jogged over to him in a rush, and started to sniff the ball intently.</p><p>Dick lazily allowed him to sniff it for a few seconds before getting back on his feet. The canine scurried back and barked a little, his tongue lolling out of his mouth. Unmoved by this display, Dastardly casually inspected the ball by rotating it in his palm, then he started throwing it straight in the air and catching it. Muttley ran up a little in his excitement, his eyes intent on the ball.</p><p>“Okay, okay, I hear you!” Dick reinforced, trying to gesture for the dog to stop, which he did. Muttley now simply stood at attention in front of the man, ready for any slight movement of the arm or flicker of the wrist.</p><p>The overly clad villain raised an eyebrow in jest. He always did like this part. He had Muttley’s full attention, and it was all based around one simple, green ball. If only it were so easy to get his attention on the track.</p><p>Dastardly gazed around the vicinity. The backlot had a large, grassy area situated away from the cars, all leading further into the mess of a small forest, which could easily cover them. The man quickly searched around the lot for any hapless witnesses standing about or looking out from their porches. The place was located in the backwoods of who-knows-where in whateversville, so there was practically no one around in the small, cabin-like resort anyway, and Dastardly always made sure to schedule each of these sessions without having any of the other nosy racers possibly tail him.</p><p>At least he hoped so.</p><p>Muttley gave another excited bark, lifting his paw up for attention.</p><p>“I <em>heard </em>you the first time, you impatient imbecile!” the sour man groveled. He put an arm out to give himself some space from Muttley as he passed him to go a bit deeper into the trees. As Muttley carefully followed him, Dick gestured to the overall, empty vicinity. “I think…this will do.”</p><p>Dick checked behind him again to make sure there was enough cover from the trees, as Muttley sat down on the ground at total attention. Satisfied, Dastardly turned back to the cur and raised his arm slightly.</p><p>Muttley quickly got up on his feet, eyes wide, hypnotized by the ball. Smiling to himself, Dick moved the ball in the air from left to right, and then up and down, with Muttley’s head carefully following suit, unwavering in his serious gaze. Dick gave a sly, wide grin to the camera.</p><p>“You want the ball, Muttley?” he taunted with an evil drawl, raising his arm higher, his grip getting tighter. “<em>You </em>want the baaaaall?”</p><p>Muttley’s eyes grew larger, his stance widening, ready to spring.</p><p>Dastardly drew his arm, took a step back, then—</p><p>“Alright then, Muttley—FETCH!”</p><p>He brought his arm ahead hard and released the ball.</p><p>Muttley shot across the grassy area, trying to catch the ball before it hit the earth, but too late, it had landed into some of the far trees, several feet away from the man. The ball bounced on the grass just ahead of the canine back into the air. Muttley jumped on his hindlegs, caught the ball in his mouth in mid-air, landed safely on all fours, then started to trot back to Dick, triumphant.</p><p>The villain couldn’t help but laugh with malicious glee. “That ball couldn’t get past you for anything, can it Muttley?” he quipped.</p><p>Muttley gave a wheezy, yet gurgled, chuckle. He stopped right in front of the man, ball still in his mouth, as the man’s giggles started to die down.</p><p>“Ah...alright now, Muttley, let go of the ball.”</p><p>Muttley still stared straight into Dick’s eyes, his tail wagging slightly and his grin unwavering. Dick started to get annoyed.</p><p>“Muttley…let go of the ball. Drop it.”</p><p>Muttley shook his head. “Uh uh, uh uh.”</p><p>The irritated man started to grind his teeth. “Muttley, why do we have to go through this each time we—”</p><p>Dastardly held the back of Muttley’s head with one hand as the other tried to pull the ball out, grunting the harder he pulled. Muttley growled as he pulled the ball back with his jaws, causing a tug-of-war.</p><p>“Mu-Muttley, if you want to play this stupid game, you have to—let—go—of—the—ball!”</p><p>Muttley kept growling as the man kept trying to pull. The dog’s head swung back and forth as he tried to get Dastardly’s hand off, causing Dick’s arm to swing along as he held on.</p><p>“Why you insolent cur…you abhorrent abettor-“ Dick started to catch some unexpected laughter in his throat as his arm swung, trying to hold on even between his insults. “You-you insidious imbecile... you malicious mutt!”</p><p>Finally, Dastardly let go of the ball, trying to catch his own mirth. Muttley immediately stopped growling. “Alright, alright, fine! Keep it in your mouth, for all I care! I won’t play with you anymore then!”</p><p>Dick crossed his arms, trying to look cross. Muttley chuckled a little, let the ball fall on the ground, and placed a little paw on it, trying to look innocent.</p><p>“Oh no, oooh no! I’m <em>not </em>falling for that again!”</p><p>Muttley grinned and nosed the ball forward to the man, then sat down on the ground and panted in anticipation. The ball slightly thumped against Dastardly’s boot.</p><p>The man suspiciously narrowed his eyes at Muttley. The dog glanced back with excited eyes. After a few moments, a warm smile flashed against Dastardly’s face. He sighed, then bent down to pick up the ball.</p><p>“Oh, alright. But don’t get any more ideas.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, yeah!”</p><p>Dick drew up and threw the ball again, this time reaching just a bit beyond the trees and landing in the far clearance. Muttley shot off once again.</p><p>Dastardly put his hands on his hips as he watched his dog go in momentary satisfaction. It’s just another day.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Feeding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>An AU idea- what if Dick had to take care of Muttley as a one week old puppy? Well needless to say, I almost cried several times when writing this. It only hurts worse after watching Scoob. Rated G. Angst/Fluff, Comfort.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The tiny, one-week-old puppy squirmed in Dastardly’s lap, letting out a short cry as he was fed through a milk bottle. The man was only wearing his pajama pants and shirt under a loose robe, and he had laid out a white hand towel over his lap while carefully holding the mewling puppy belly-down in his hand.</p><p>Don’t ask how this usually dour villain got into this situation. Don’t even ask why he’s doing this. One day he was sitting alone in his old home with nothing to do, and the next…he had a small, helpless pup on his hands. It’s better not to ask questions about such matters.</p><p>He had the puppy formula and a baby bottle on hand, as well as some baby wipes, bottled water, cotton swabs, and some extra towels. He had warmed up some of the water, mixed in the formula, and tested the milk on his arm to make sure it was warm enough, but not so hot that it would scald the little thing’s mouth.</p><p>Dick had turned down the lights of the room and drawn the curtains, only letting in a stream of light into the still darkness so he could see what he was doing. Even though he knew no one would ever pass by his window or even see him, he still wouldn’t be caught dead to someone witnessing him doing such a deed. He wanted to hide this from the world. He needed to.</p><p>He knew what he had to do, or at the very least, that’s what he told himself as the brown puppy stretched his legs out in his hand and craned his neck further towards the bottle.</p><p>The man sighed as he adjusted himself in his recliner, allowing his hand to stroke the tiny animal’s back, lightly pressing his long fingers into him as he glided through the small, curly fur.</p><p>Such a small, innocent little thing. He could only feed, sleep, relieve himself, and squirm. Not to mention, squeal like an unchecked door. He couldn’t think, couldn’t judge, couldn’t control his little body. Truly a helpless creature, one who could not formulate any thoughts about Dick, on who or what he was— nonjudgmental, in short. He only operated under pure reflex and total instinct. He only sought for nourishment and warmth, from what once belonged to his mother, but now…</p><p>The man swallowed down the lump in his throat, wetting his suddenly dry mouth. His light, passing squeeze on the pup becoming faintly tighter.</p><p>It could always be worse, he said to himself. At least he was here. Not that that made things better…but it was better than nothing. He couldn’t replace a mother, but he could at least try his best. He had to.</p><p>But what if it isn’t good enough, a still, hushed voice whispered to him from afar, a voice he hadn’t heard from for a long time. What if you mess things up, like you always do?</p><p>Dick’s stomach twisted, and he felt it jump straight to his heart. At first, he felt undignified, as though an uninvited stranger was indeed watching him from inside this very room, watching him do something from the privacy of his own home, something he only wanted to hide from the judging eyes of the harsh world.</p><p>His first instinct was to hide. To hide from this intruder, to hide away from the world with his newfound puppy, so that no one would ever find them again, so they could forever be left alone in peace.</p><p>But the feeling subsided once he glanced around, knowing it was only his own thoughts speaking to him. The quietness of the tranquil yet gloomy room eased him, and the slow, repetitive movements of the feeding puppy comforted his rapidly beating heart.</p><p>But the thought did not leave him.</p><p>It didn’t matter who took care of him, a harsher, louder voice said to him, one he knew well. How could he mess this up? He didn’t need to do much, in retrospect. Feed him, toilet train him…play with him...always be there for him…</p><p>Dick took in a deep breath to calm himself down again. It was a lot. It was a lot of responsibility. He felt…he felt for the first time in a long time…he felt…</p><p>He felt scared.</p><p>Scared, him? Couldn’t be. Impossible. He had been through so many other scary things in his life. How could a small, wriggling puppy make him feel scared?</p><p>But the stillness of the room and the soothing motion of the puppy's suckling allowed him to ruminate with his thoughts instead of pushing them away like he usually did.</p><p>Yes, he was scared. Scared of what might be, of what the future might hold. He has no idea what he’s doing, or even if what he’s doing was right. And what makes it worse is that he feels as though he can’t ask for anyone else’s help. He can’t even think of what may happen if someone would even glance at him in such a state, let alone seeing him hold his puppy in public.</p><p>What if he does do something wrong? What if he ends up messing up with the puppy’s entrails or brain or…or anything, really? What if he does something so wrong, the puppy ends up losing his leg, or his tail, or losing more than a leg? What if he forgets to do something important, and that ends up scarring the puppy for all his life, or hurting him, or even…or even—</p><p>He couldn’t even think of that last thought, as he heard a little gurgling noise come from below. The puppy’s nose was wet, and milk was coming out of it. He was drinking too fast and too hard, and he was crying now.</p><p>Dastardly took the bottle out, set it on the table, and used the towel to clean the puppy’s little nose while rubbing his little body. The puppy let out a small set of sneezes and cried some more, whelping as his little body shook from the cold.</p><p>Dastardly wrapped the little thing up in the towel and brought him closer to his chest, covering him in his robe and snuggling him close in his arms. He nuzzled the little puppy’s head, trying to hush him as his small, soft whelps continued.</p><p>“Shh, shh, it’s okay…it’s okay,” he whispered, speaking out loud the words he kept deep inside and hidden even from himself, words he had wished someone had told him long ago, now revealing themselves easily. “It’s okay. You’re safe now, you’re safe here. Everything’s going to be okay. Nothing’s going to hurt you. I’m here. I’ll always be here, and I’ll always be there for you. I will never let anything happen to you. I will never let anybody hurt you. Ever. You are safe here, with me.”</p><p>The man felt something inside him open up for the first time in years, and the little puppy’s cries and shaking slowly subsided into peaceful breathing, burrowing himself deeper into Dick’s arms. The man felt something wet roll down his cheek and land on the puppy’s fur.</p><p>Some of the fading light of the setting sun shined through the small opening from the window and landed on them, letting the two feel the warmth of its last rays for one, final time.</p><p>Perhaps things won't be so bad after all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Pigeon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Summary: Dick tries to go to sleep after another unsuccessful night of trying to find Muttley...but something comes to haunt him. Warning for disturbing images and mentions of death. Rated T. Angst/Horror.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>More angst to add to this thing. No cute puppy-ness here...only pain.</p><p>Hopefully, I will be incorporating some of these ideas into a larger fic I have planned. I just wanted to write the idea out here, since that fic is a planned AU. I wanted this one-shot to stand alone, and for it to apply to Scoob canon if so desired without any conflicts.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Night on the airship wasn’t much different than daytime. There were not many outside light sources throughout the halls of the ship, and Dick had only installed either refurbished lamps or heat fixtures to illuminate his way through his own self-created labyrinths.</p><p>The few lights he did have were now concentrating themselves brightly on the large, marked map he had hung up in the room. It was yet another fruitless night of research and searching. He thought he had a lead somewhere in the jungles of Brazil, but he’d gotten stuck at a dead end both in his explorations in the forests and in the uncharted maps.</p><p>He didn’t know how many nights he’s been up for, as he sat in that grubby room alone, just staring at the map and the pinned photos of potential dog descendants of Peritus. The list only got longer and longer the more he searched, and it never lessened. He wracked his distracted brain with whatever information he’d already researched, trying to review for any gaps he may have missed. But his eyes kept automatically wandering to the shrine located behind him every time he tried to think.</p><p>And every time he’d stared at it, the more his mind went elsewhere. To another time and place. A better time. A time where everything was alright, when he always had someone there by his side. A time when he wasn’t alone. A time when he felt happiness, no matter how fleeting.</p><p>And every time he thought of this, his eyes drooped just slightly, his body rocked slowly back, and a slight warmth overtook him…. until he shook his head violently and tried to concentrate again on what he was looking at on the map.</p><p>It only took Dick to almost fall off his metal chair for the twelfth time to realize he was exhausted. He wasn’t going anywhere like this, running himself thin. It wouldn’t help anyone if his mind couldn’t work correctly. And he needed it to work correctly if he was ever going to find him.</p><p>So, reluctantly, Dick got up and started to unfold and arrange the dingy cot in the study room, with several yawns escaping him as he did so. He hung his coat on the chair, took off his boots and gloves, and got into the ramshackle bed, with only a thin blanket and old pillow to help him go to sleep. He didn’t need anything more than this to fall asleep. It was an old cot he’d found in his demolition site, and if it did its function, then he had nothing to complain about. He didn’t need anything more, as long as it fulfilled its purpose, which it usually did.</p><p>But as much as he was tired, his eyes could only keep staring at the shrine located across the room.</p><p>He couldn’t go sleep. It wouldn’t be right. His partner was waiting for him somewhere, and here he was wasting yet another night stuck at a dead end once again, and all his useless body could do was give up on him when he needed it most.</p><p>Who knows if he lays in a sort of limbo, or if he was surrounded by a constant source of terror or anguish? Either way, Dick did not think he deserved to sleep, did not deserve to rest, not while Muttley waited in the cold for him, alone, lost, scared.  </p><p>If he was still there. If he was still alive.</p><p>No. He forced this train of thought to stop through his pain. He couldn’t think this way. No matter what happens, he couldn’t go down that route. He had to keep going. No matter what happens, he had to keep going. For his sake.</p><p>He took in a quick, quivering breath and opened his eyes again, meeting the shrine once more. Good memories. He needed some good memories to relax and fall asleep to, even for just a little bit until he’s able enough to continue his search.</p><p>Out of all the things he could’ve fixed his gaze at, he found himself looking at the stuffed pigeon not for the first time that day. For some reason, his attention kept coming back to it, remembering the victory he had that day, and how he came to the possession of the bird he and Muttley had coveted for so long. The happenstance of the victory was not intentional, however, but the results still stood the same to them.  </p><p>The warm feeling came back to him slowly, starting from the bottom of his bleak heart and spreading to the rest of his still, heavy body. His eyes closed, his head fell back onto the rough pillow, and he started to snore loudly.</p><p>~~~~~~~</p><p>He was flying. He didn’t know how he was flying, but he was, alone in an empty void. He flew across this void alone, a helpless body floating through space, with distant, twinkling stars glistening the way across towards the unknown.</p><p>He allowed this unknown force to take him farther, as he felt the ears of his aviator helmet flap against his face as he flew along.</p><p>Images started to appear around him: floating images of single moments stuck in time. Images of days gone by of all their adventures together. They first started out as rather innocuous memories. Times when he and Muttley would run amok and cause havoc on the racetrack, or other times of them having fun and enjoying themselves in the bunkers along with his subordinates.</p><p>But then the images became more frantic, more warped as they floated past him, becoming quicker as they went by. Times when he would lose his patience, when he would scream and blame and project his self-hatred onto others, onto Muttley. Times when he would berate him, hit him, command him, punish him, demoralize and embarrass him.</p><p><em>Stop, </em>he pleaded, covering his face from the numerous images rapidly passing him, away from the aggression that had targeted the one thing he missed in the world, the one thing he’d do anything to get back. <em>Please stop, I’m begging you.</em></p><p>But the images did not stop as they only increased in their speed, surrounding the trembling man as they passed him, unrelenting, unyielding. Spoken expletives and curses started to reverberate around the void, filling it with shouting and yelling from all sides, with no end or escape in sight.</p><p>The man firmly held his head in his arms, covering his ears and closing his eyes tight, trying to twist and hide within himself from the onslaught, but to no avail as the images and sounds still appeared in his mind’s eye. Sobs racked his body as the assault on his senses continued.</p><p>
  <em>Stop, stop, please stop. It hurts. It hurts so much. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die, not now, not when I’m so close. It hurts. It hurts everywhere. Please, don’t let me die. End my pain, I beg of you.</em>
</p><p>A final assault barraged him, louder and brighter than before, as more violent images of him and Muttley appeared, of them failing, and failing, and failing. And him, abusing, blaming, and ordering. Of the image of his only companion, crying and sad. Of the image of him pushing Muttley, sending him off to his unbeknownst doom. Of the image of him, being taken away. Of the image of Dick, kneeling at the torn portal, lost, alone, heartbroken.  </p><p><em>I’m sorry, </em>he finally thought.<em> I’m so, so sorry. I did this to you. I know I did. I did all of this to you. Please, forgive me.</em></p><p>And within a split second, the images and sounds stopped, leaving Dick alone, floating in space, hugging his knees to his chest, crying, severely shaking.</p><p>Through his sniffles, he thought he heard something in the void. He looked up through wet eyes, at what he thought was a familiar sound.</p><p>A white, flapping thing met him in the darkness. Dick rubbed his eyes and blinked, to find that no, he wasn’t hallucinating. The pigeon was flying right in front of him, looking at him with a curious yet worried gaze.</p><p>As Dastardly kept his glare on the bird, the more he felt something rise within him. No…no this wasn’t his fault. All of this, all of what had happened, all of his misery and bad luck, and all his losses and suffering and pining finally had an explanation. It all had a cause.</p><p>His fury rose, his eyes narrowed, his lips went back in a snarl, and his hands clutched together in mid-air, imagining a neck within their grasp.</p><p>“YOU!” he roared. “THIS IS ALL <em>YOUR <strong>FAULT</strong>!”</em></p><p>The pigeon flew away, and Dick Dastardly went right after him, flying through the air with the greatest of ease, not missing a beat as his hand followed closely with the retreating figure. The bird flew in circles, loop-de-loops, zigzags, and with quick turns to try and get Dick off his tail, but the wrathful man did not lose his momentum, did not lose even a millisecond of time, as his focus was directed solely on catching the pigeon, and killing it one final time.</p><p>This time, it wouldn’t be an accident.</p><p>They flew and flew around the void for what seemed like eons, without either of them tiring or slowing down for even a moment. Finally, after one final lap around the infinity of nothingness, the pigeon stopped just ahead of Dick, turned around, and stared at him with large, blinding white eyes, halting the man in his tracks.</p><p>Dastardly stopped and gawked at the eyes, and in his mind’s eye, he thought he imagined other beings, beings that looked just like him, other Dick Dastardlys, maybe even hundreds of them, that never were able to catch the pigeon.</p><p>All, however, except him. He was the exception. And he was to be punished for it, cursed, for all eternity, to carry this burden and guilt, until the end of time.</p><p>Dick Dastardly woke up with a start, gasping and sweating profusely. His body shook as he slowly swung his legs out of the cot and held his head in his hand, rubbing his forehead in shock.</p><p>He had unfairly killed the pigeon years ago. The kill was performed by accident, and ever since, Dick had not been able to feel like he had deserved the kill. The bird came back to him in his dreams, always unexpectedly, not leaving Dick alone until he catches him.</p><p>But the bird was always just out of his grasp. He never catches him, and no matter how many times he tells himself the opposite, he knows he’ll never be satisfied with what he’s done if he didn’t do it by his own hand, with an intentional purpose. And now, that moment of triumph will forever be just out of his reach, never to be fulfilled. His fate is cursed, binded to that same bird, because he was the only one successful enough to have killed him, but he will forever be cursed for having killed him in a dishonorable manner.    </p><p>After a few minutes of trying to calm himself down, he dared his eyes to look up once more at the shrine.</p><p>The stuffed pigeon still stood there, unmoving, stiff, dead.</p><p>Dick got up, marched over to the shrine, picked up the stuffed animal, and said, more to himself than to the bird, “I killed you. I killed you fair and square. You are dead, and you’re going to stay dead no matter how I killed you. Now, stop haunting my dreams, stop freaking me out, or so help me God I will stick your fat neck into the trash compactor, and then you’ll see who gets the last laugh.”</p><p>He roughly placed the pigeon back on the mantle, walked back to his cot, glanced at it, then knocked it down with a kick and sat back down on the metal chair, going over his meticulous last steps in Brazil once more.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Basically, the pigeon haunts Dick's dreams every fortnight for having him killed, trying to guilt trip him each and every time while also always being just of reach for him. No matter how much he tries, he will never catch the pigeon, not even in his worst nightmares. </p><p>The pigeon could be a spirit sent to haunt the man for his sins, a curse upon him for killing an innocent being or god, or it could be a psychological manifestation of his own guilt and impotency for not having him killed in a manner he desired, losing his only chance of fulfillment forever.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Endgame</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It all comes down to this. Horror. Rated T for descriptions of blood and mutilated bodies, and some disturbing imagery of Hanna-Barbera characters.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The smog surrounded the high, dark hill with glowing green, standing not far from the golden gates of the Underworld. The gates stood open, with all the world’s treasures easily spilling out of its entrance, radiating a faint glow around the filthy earth and allowing for some light to reflect off the harsh fluids spilled on the cursed land. The low ground leading towards the hill stained dark red as pools of blood surrounded the beings left to rot. Beings once called heroes of the world: defenders, protectors, rays of hope and life for the once happy and peaceful fantasyland.</p><p>Beings who now lay mangled and wide mouthed on top of each other, as if a child had just left his toys in a disorganized mess on the floor without a care. Furs and skins of a wide variety were left torn asunder: sky-blue, oak brown, and sunny orange. Animals of many kinds, haphazard so they were, and of many different shapes and sizes, but all were as large and sentient as humans.</p><p>Humans were not spared the same fate. Strongmen of space or of prehistoric age lay here too, beings of science or monstrosity, of robotics or chemistry, of largest being to smallest ant. All lay here, dead. Some humans of regular strength lay here as well—people of different backgrounds and shades and histories, all once united but now lay low, beyond this earth. Some laid with their animal companions; the long glean of a robotic yet dog-shaped body curled around his human, trying to shield itself around him even as its body was torn to useless, metallic pieces. A large great dane seemed to still stand at attention near his four humans, but no being paid heed to this as his brown husk of a body was burned to a black char, yet he still stood with his large, empty eyes staring at nothing.</p><p>There were, however, beings that did stand at this hill, alive and menacing. A long, slender man surveyed his work from the peak of this hill, his thin mustache swaying slightly against the foul wind as a vicious grin etched across his greasy and black stained face. He wore a large, flowing purple longcoat, red gloves and an aviator helmet. In his hand he held a large staff, with a triangular object secured to its top as it glowed an ominous shade of green. To his immediate right stood a smaller brown and grinning dog on his hindlegs wearing a classical Roman army outfit, who looked up at him admiringly and yet mischievously.</p><p>And behind them both stood an army. An army of hellhounds that stretched as far as the eye could see to the lands beyond. Beings that were controlled by the green staff-- spiritless, yet brutal and cruel creatures that licked at their blood-soaked chops in satisfaction.</p><p>Not far off from the distance just behind them, down below the hill howled a monster that would’ve made any moral human being scream and run in fear. The Cerberus has now claimed the land conquered, leaving the last man alive the ruler of both earth and hell, the harbinger of the world’s final judgement.</p><p>As a final, self-reassuring check, the dastardly man held his large and crazed eyes on the layout of the hill for any lifeless being daring enough to even twitch, then they flittered past the carnage to meet the golden gates, the gold and treasures now all his. All theirs. His grin became larger still as they met his dog’s pleased and snickering gaze.</p><p>“Muttley,” he whispered. “This is it. We’ve done it. After all these years of tribulations and painful trials, we’ve done it. The revenge we’ve so coveted has finally come to all those who stood in our way and underestimated us. All the world’s riches and power is ours. With this staff, I rule both realms and our army, as you rule over Cerberus. With our strengths combined, we are an unstoppable force, and the world will bow to our will.” He threw his head back and laughed malevolently towards the dark heavens, his faithful companion joining along with him. “With earth’s so-called mightiest heroes lay soaking at our feet, there is nothing, <em>nothing</em> in this world that could stop us n—”</p><p>“Oh no no no, we can’t have this, not at all,” a light, Minnesotan accent cut through from just below the hill, belonging to a small woman carrying a small, pink and dainty cart across the bloody grass. Dastardly and Muttley stared astonishingly at the heavy, bespectacled marm who displeasingly looked around the area, crossed her arms in displeasure and shook her head. “Oh, no, no, no, this won’t work at all, especially not for a children’s movie like this.”</p><p>Dick and Muttley glanced at each other awkwardly in a cold sweat. “Uhh…who are you?”</p><p>The woman smiled with a wave even against the backdrop of the dark, hazardous clouds and body-woven earth. “Hi, I’m from the Motion Picture Association of America, and I’m here to make sure nothing dangerous or violent ever happens in this movie—although seeing from this, it seems we have a <em>lot </em>of work to do this in this picture,” she said as she clicked her tongue in dissatisfaction at the bodies and morbid scenery. “No, no, no, none of this will work, everything’s got to go, right now.”</p><p>Dick and Muttley’s eyes bulged out in a panic. “Wait a second, whatya mean ‘right now’?! What about our win, our triumph! We’ve waited years for this!” “Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah!”</p><p>The Executive snapped her fingers and a number of orderlies and handymen came out of nowhere to bring the gold back into the underworld (even taking some back with them), resurrecting bodies with a touch of a finger, wiping off the blood with a brush of a broom, and blowing away the dark clouds with leafblowers.</p><p>“Why of course right now, Mr. Dastardly. Allowing the villain to win over the heroes, murder, stealing, opening hell on earth—why that’s just obscene! What sort of message would that give to our most impressionable youth?”</p><p>“I don’t know, I don’t care! I- er, we-just wanted to win for once! People have been wanting to see this for years! No one cares for those heroes, it’s us they came to see win! It’s us they’re rooting for! It’s not fair! Why can’t we win for once, even the smallest victory?! What harm would that do?”</p><p>“Harm? Harm, Mr. Dastardly?!” the Executive shouted in admonishment. “Why, the biggest harm of all: lawsuits! What would the mothers think if they saw their precious children see an evil man like you win even the smallest crumb of a prize in this child-tested picture? Everything must be made so clear between the boundaries, that even a premature baby could see the difference.”</p><p>“But look at all the cool things we’re doing! Look: hellhounds, Cerberus himself! No villain has ever attempted such daring feats before in modern, cinematic animation!”</p><p>“Ghastly creatures, I’d say! And way overbudget and overtime for this production already! Take ‘em away, boys. But the Cerberus we’ll keep—remember Harry Potter, fellas, while it’s still mildly relevant in our studio! We just need to make it cuter and funnier for the next rewrite.”</p><p>Muttley whined as his armor was taken away from him as well as Dastardly’s glowing staff. “Butbutbutbutbutbutbutbutbutbut-" Dick stammered as the scenery was changed, all the gold scooped back into the vault and all of the studio’s heroes alive and well and giving Dick the stink-eye.</p><p>“Lay off the extra hands, boys! We’re too overbudget, anyways! We’ll just have to stick with the essentials for the next rewrite.”</p><p>“Butbutbut my gold! M-m-m-my victory!” the desperate villain cried out. Muttley was too shocked to even bite his master’s leg off at this instant of bigheadadry. “And that fight sequence that was recorded—that costed millions! It can never be experienced again in our lifetimes! All those heroes fighting against my forces. There were even some aliens mixed in there for some reason or another! It would’ve been worth everything!”</p><p>“Absolutely no blood, no cursing, and villains must never be allowed any good luck to happen in their lives; they deserve all our contempt! Besides, who wants another Endgame, anyway? It became cliché the minute the first crowd of moviegoers left the first showing in theaters! The money will just have to be accounted for once again and we hope it’ll be paid back 10-fold one day. A pipedream perhaps, but it’s the only one we have.”</p><p>A white-clad orderlie whispered in her ear. “Wait…so you’re saying the hounds are <em>actually</em> needed? Well, I’ll just have to have a talk to the head honchos about that, dontchya know,” she said with some menace in her voice.</p><p>“But what about <em>us</em>?”</p><p>“Oh, everything will have to be scrapped and started anew again, but don’t worry! You still have many years to go until the new release date, and who knows? Maybe children will remember you in reruns, barely played blu-ray discs, or on streaming services.”</p><p>“No, no! I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been rewritten!” Dastardly screeched as he and Muttley struggled in their humongous handlers’ hands. “Let me go! Let me go, please! I can show you I can be good enough! Let me show I have the potential to bring in more money than you can ever-"</p><p>
  <em>BONK</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well...Horror/Parody</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Welcome</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dick sees his wife, Delilah, at the hospital to meet with someone for the first time. Rated G, total FLUFF. Not much puppy love here, but there is love if that is what you seek after last chapter lol.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Delilah and her kids are characters from the wr17 reboot, but these character interpretations are fully owned by Silverus in her own ideas and art-- this is only a gift for her! </p><p>Check out her tumblr and instagram pages, she's awesome: </p><p>https://silverus-kvassus.tumblr.com/ </p><p>https://www.instagram.com/frozen_kvassus/</p><p>I'm a total sucker for new dads so I wrote this up quick. Hope it's cute!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Oh, God…ohgodohgodohgod,” Dick moaned as he paced the hallway some more, Muttley at his heels mimicking his pacing and nervous tics like an imitating parrot.</p><p>“It’s been 8 hours, Muttley, <em>8 hours </em>and no one has come to update me since 2 AM,” he wiped his heavily perfusing forehead, panting slightly as he turned the corner again for the ten thousandth time.</p><p>“Maybe…maybe they have her tied somewhere? Or maybe they want a ransom from me?! Muttley,” he said, his anger rising. “Muttley, I’m about <em>this </em>close to ripping the heads off these doctors and blowing up this whole place if I don’t--“</p><p>“Sassafrassin’ calm down!”</p><p>“I’M COMPLETELY CALM!” Dick screeched in agony, his eye twitching and arms shaking. The man started to pace even quicker.</p><p>“I can’t do this Muttley, I can’t. I’d be terrible at this, abysmal.”</p><p>“Rassemfrassem that’s not true.”</p><p>“I am terrible at it and I will be- you know I will be!” he cried in self- dejection, squeezing his face with his hands and groaning into them. Muttley looked on in worry.</p><p>Slowly, the man lowered his hands and stared at them in defeat. “How can I do this, Muttley? I know nothing about this. I’m probably just going to...to mess it all up like I always do. I bet he’ll…I bet he’ll even hate me the second he sees my ugly mug.”</p><p>Muttley whined sadly, pitying his foolish human.</p><p>“And she wasn’t exactly the happiest seeing me last time, either. Maybe it’s best…maybe it’s best if I—”</p><p>A terrifying scream spread across the hallway like a passing banshee, making the two jump in fright. Dick looked towards the door where that scream came from in a panic, his insides shredding into pieces as he tried to imagine what was going on in there.</p><p>“Oh-oh no!” Dick cried in realization. “<em>I </em>did this. This was all <em>my fault!</em>”</p><p>Muttley perked up his ears at these amazing words.</p><p>“I did this. I caused her this anguish, this pain! I could’ve prevented this!” he woed. “I could’ve stopped this from the beginning! Oh, how did all those sweet days turn into <em>this?!”</em></p><p>Dick’s angst suddenly turned into anger as he picked up his dog and shook him urgently.</p><p>“<em>Why didn’t you warn me, you useless fleabag?! </em>Now look what you made me do!”</p><p>“Huh, me?” Muttley asked in shock.</p><p>“Yes, you! And it’s because of you-oh, well that is…well it’s because of me that she’s…uh,” the man shook his head, then he dropped the dog unceremoniously with a sniffle and some more tears.</p><p>“It’s…it’s because of me she’s in such pain. I’m…I’m a monster. I’m a terrible, horrible, no good-“</p><p>Another scream broke through, but Dick kept going on as if he didn’t hear it.</p><p>“--horrendous, just all around awful—”</p><p>But then, through Delilah’s screams, a higher pitched cry broke out, and it rang shrilly through all the halls of the hospital. Muttley gasped, but Dick looked at the door confused for a moment.</p><p>“Wait, what is that…is that a baby crying?”</p><p>Muttley stomped his foot in disbelief and anger. “Rassemfrassem sassafrassem GET IN THERE!!”</p><p>And with that, Muttley took hold of Dick’s jacket and dragged him inside the hospital room, with Dick whelping as he was pulled along in surprise, forgetting momentarily what’s going.</p><p>“Oh hey, what are you—Muttley, Muttley what are you--?!”</p><p>Muttley pushed the doors open and knocked Dick towards the bed.</p><p>“OW! Muttley, you dimwitted-“</p><p>“Richard.”</p><p>Dick slightly started at the calmly said name, and all his previous worry suddenly came rushing back to him, but not before he could turn his head and face his exhausted yet momentarily content wife, who looked to be holding in her arms carefully something small in a white blanket.</p><p>The memories came back to him in a flash as he stared opened mouthed at the squirming bundle she held, feeling nothing and yet everything at the same time. His eyes widened, and a hand came up to his mouth unconsciously. For once, he was speechless.</p><p>“Richard,” Delilah continued, a tinge of tired acceptance in her voice. “Must you always make a scene wherever you go, even here?”</p><p>But Dick didn’t hear a word she said as he slowly, very slowly, took a hesitant step towards her. He rubbed his hands nervously as he crept closer up with a faint whimper on his lips. His wife smiled in self indulgence and satisfaction as he inched forward to the base of her bed.</p><p>Finally, he stopped right near Delilah, towering her with his large and normally intimidating figure. But now, he could only chew on his lips and squeeze his hands anxiously as he stared down into his wife’s confident eyes, propped up in bed with the bundle resting and hiding in her arms.</p><p>Dick closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, then tried to swallow his overwhelming feelings of inferiority down. He had to face this new future with them, one he had waited so long for, so yearned for. It was now or never.</p><p>“Alright…alright I’m ready.”</p><p>With more determination now, he leaned down over the railing and put a caring arm over Delilah as she gave him a peck on the cheek, but he hardly seemed to notice it. His eyes were only for the small bundle. Delilah gave her husband one final teasing yet blissful look as she uncovered the small blanket halfway.</p><p>The smallest, awed gasp fell out of the man’s lips. All his expectations, all his worries about the baby, his wife and even for himself all floated away as if they never existed. The tiny, pinkish thing with a crown of spiky, black hair slept soundly as the large man could only stare back with large eyes.</p><p><em>A son...</em>my<em> son. And he looks familiar…so very familiar...</em></p><p>The baby gave a small yawn and what seemed to be a content smile as he snuggled closer to his mother’s chest. Delilah gave her newborn’s cheek a small caress with the back of her hand and nuzzled his head.</p><p>Dick continued to blankly stare for a few more seconds at this small scene until finally, as if it had a mind of its own, his own hand came hesitantly out and started to come closer to the baby. Delilah opened an eye quickly and looked at Dick’s gloved hand skeptically.</p><p>Suddenly woken to his senses, Dick shook head and brought his red hand closer to his face, inspecting it in perplexity as his wife watched in a moment of uncharacteristic trepidation. After only a few moments though, Dick unhesitatingly pulled at the fingers of the glove, took it off, and dropped it on the floor uncaringly, his eyes only for his baby.</p><p>Trying again, he reached his bare hand out, and this time Delilah obliged with a complacent smile, lightly rolling the baby’s head out from the crook of her arm and letting him rest in her forearms. Dick’s large hand just stopped at the newborn’s head, overshadowing the peaceful little thing’s face in what an outside observant would say looked almost menacing and intimidating. But the man’s breath got caught in his throat, and a bead of sweat fell from his forehead as his entire body quivered slightly.</p><p>Then, gently, oh so gently, he copied his wife’s movement, and lightly stroked the back of his hairy hand against the child’s cheek and up to his forehead. The baby kept on sleeping, comfortable under his father’s touch.</p><p>So many feelings and memories went through him that moment. His own father and mother, him meeting Delilah, these long agonizing months, the worry for how the baby would look or talk or walk or if he’d be a chip off the old block…fear, jubilation, protection, vulnerability…everything just swirled together into one messy pot and yet only one thought stuck in his mind above all else.</p><p><em>Father, </em>Dick thought. <em>I’m a…I’m a</em> father. <em>Out of all people…me. I’m a…a….</em></p><p>What could only be described as a mix between a sniff and a small sneeze came out of Dick, slightly startled his wife from her second’s worth of rest. Then, more and more sniffs came out of him, until finally some small tears started to drop out of his eyes, one by one.</p><p>After a few milliseconds, however, Dick started to sob grossly and unabashedly as large tears fell all over his face, snot came out of nose, and he gasped heavily for air to breath.</p><p>“Oh, Richard,” Delilah rolled her eyes but couldn’t help keeping away a genuine smile. “Richard, come on now, pull yourself together.”</p><p>But Dick only bellowed louder, trying to hold his face in his hands as his whole body shook. Even from all these cries, the baby stayed peacefully asleep.</p><p>“I’m a- I’m a- I’m a-,” then another loud, dramatic sob racked him.</p><p>“Rassafrassinsnassin,-“ Muttley tugged on Dick’s clothes and passed over to him a heavily stained hanky. Dick took it and blew into it very noisily. The hanky, now leaking, was passed back to Muttley who didn’t mind the suspicious liquid coming out of it at all. “T-thank you, Muttley.”</p><p>Muttley could only let out a small chuckle now as he also took a peek at the new human to look after, a feeling of new protection overtaking him now.</p><p>Dick wiped away the last of his snot with the back of his sleeve, some left over sobs still shaking him.</p><p>“Oh, God…I’m a, I’m a--”</p><p>“Yes, yes, I think we got the message, Richard.”</p><p>He sniffed one last time and gave a tremulous, sheepish smile as he brought his hand over again towards his son, caressing him carefully now with his whole hand, but more confident now.</p><p>“Can I...can I hold him?” he asked embarrassingly.</p><p>Delilah looked him over with a flat, distrustful look, then said with some hesitation, “Well, alright. Just make sure you don’t drop him, or I’ll have to kill you.”</p><p>Dick chuckled. “Come on now, my dear, who do you think I am?”</p><p>“Many things at this present moment, actually,” Delilah said with a teasing smile as she fixed Dick’s hold on their baby until finally father and son were together and Dick was able to hold him on his own. The usually threatening villain now stood proudly cradling his newborn son in his arms, cuddling him around his large chest and touching his little one’s tiny nose with his own, much bigger nose.</p><p>The bed’s railings were pulled down, and Dick sat next to Delilah on the bed as Muttley joined in from below, making himself comfortable around Dick’s feet and falling asleep right on them. Delilah followed suit not long after as she started snoozing on Dick’s lap, earning a well-deserved rest.</p><p>Dick looked at his little family through half-lidded eyes. His old, loyal pal Muttley, who’s been with him since the beginning. Delilah, the woman of his dreams, who enthralled him yet knew fully well when he crossed the line. And now their newest member, a son Dick thought he’d never would’ve gotten in this lifetime, and yet here he was, still sleeping peacefully in his arms.</p><p>With his family all happily napping around him, Dick sighed contentedly, feeling for the first time in a long time his body at peace, and actual, genuine happiness radiated from below his heart. Maybe things for once can go right for him.</p><p>And then the baby started crying.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. and now it’s time for an intermission</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Absurdist humor, rated M for mentioned mature themes and nudity. Xover with Joshiraku and character cameos from other animated shows, including Zorak from space ghost c2c, the Penguin from the Batman franchise, Dan Phantom from Danny Phantom, and Bradford Buzzard from the Ducktales franchise. I love Bradford to pieces, so I just want to apologize in advance for the punishments I deal with him in this story, dude deserves better treatment.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let me just mention before you start reading that I appreciate all my readers and that I love you all soo SOOO much, and that none of what the characters say should be taken seriously. This thing is just a tongue-in-cheek comedy piece that I had the characters talk about in my mind after watching Joshiraku (man this anime is funny), so I wrote it down for all you wonderful people to read and enjoy!</p><p>Also, I guess I should say this, this chapter is very self-deprecating and I exaggerate a lot about myself for comedic purposes, so don't worry, I'm fine!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“-the wife then came back to the parlor, and asked him ‘So where’s the dryer, George?’ He answered her, ‘Well, honey, I guess we’ll never know.'”</p><p>Dick Dastardly, kneeling on the soundstage and wearing his racer’s cap and a yellow kimono, finished his anecdote and bowed low to the sparse audience, a stray clap echoing across the room as he got up, folded the kneeling pillow, and stepped off stage with a fulfilled smile.</p><p>Coming into the dressing room, he slid the door open and entered, with four others sitting low around a tea table, all staring at him as he entered with a blank face. They all watched his movements as he walked in, kneeled down to the table, and looked at them all seriously.</p><p>Finally, he opened his mouth and asked, “Why are you all in this story?”</p><p>Dan Phantom, wearing an orange kimono, wagged a paper fan in his face and shouted, “Don’t ask dumbass questions!”</p><p>“This is just an excuse for the Author to procrastinate from her homework by writing down her diseased brain’s last throws of imagination before it kickstarts for one final time at finals, and then finally dies right before she starts her first foray into the adult world, leaving all her last claims to free time behind,” he continued. “Doesn’t she have to make some calls to absolute strangers, anyways?”</p><p>This fanfic is full of ordinary dialogue so that readers can fully enjoy how cute the villains are.</p><p>“Calling strangers is a big risk to take,” Zorak butted in, speaking wise words and wearing an aquamarine kimono. “What if you mess up a word and the guy on the other line just starts shouting at you that he has no idea what you’re talking about? And when you try explaining again, you only end up with an anxiety attack.”</p><p>“Or what if it goes to voice mail,” the red-headed Oswald Cobblepot, aka the Penguin, shivered in his pink kimono. “You don’t even know what to say, so you just jumble up your name and number and hang-up, hoping no one heard you.”</p><p>“I remember cold calling once, a lifetime ago,” Bradford Buzzard muttered, his eyes staring into the dark distance and oodled up in his dark purple kimono. “I’d rather go die in the pits of a hairy man than go through that ordeal again.”</p><p>“Now, see!” Dastardly called out. “Were all those introductions necessary? This is my drabble series, for d***s sake! None of you belong here, and we don’t even belong in this setting!”</p><p>Dan waved his hand nonchalantly. “Eh, it’s not like anyone important is reading this amateur writing anyway, no matter how hard the Author tries to make you relevant.” </p><p>“Hey!”</p><p>The Penguin chuckled. “I mean, she puts so much time into making her stories as correct and clear as clear as possible, that she hasn’t realized yet that barely anyone is even reading these stories anyway! Why she chose to start posting her work for this small fandom, I’ll never know!”</p><p>“Except the discord chat,” Bradford mentioned. “They’ll come. No matter what sort of drivel she writes about, they’ll always come.” They all turned their heads to look at the reader in silent judgement.</p><p>“Well,” Dick continued. “That can’t be entirely true. She got a small increase in hits on this series just this last week.”</p><p>“It was the adorable romance and baby scene, Dick,” Zorak cooed.</p><p>“And because one-shots are shorter and easier to read than the longer fic she took several months to post,” Dan mentioned.</p><p>“That can’t entirely be it--”</p><p>“IT IS,” they all cried out.</p><p>Dick frowned glumly and muttered, “But I thought puppy Muttley was cute…”</p><p>“Look, it’s all cute, Dastardly,” Bradford rolled his eyes impatiently. “But you know what sorts of fanfics people on AO3 flock to.”</p><p>A large shadow overcame the room.</p><p>“Smut,” Zorak uttered, his eyes like large saucers.</p><p>“Fetishes,” Penguin whimpered, his eyes shaking.</p><p>“The deprecation of humanity before our very eyes,” Dan whispered with a strange smile, his eyes fully red.</p><p>“And the site’s just horrible to read from, anyways,” Zorak interjected, rubbing his large eyes down.</p><p>“At least Fanfiction.net has a larger audience for general fics, but it still has the same problem,” the Penguin revised.</p><p>“So, all they want is romance and sex?” Dick asked.</p><p>“Yep!” Bradford cheerfully answered. “The more descriptive and shunned upon by general society, the better! It’s no wonder Alley isn’t going anywhere!”</p><p>An invisible hand punched Bradford across the face and sent him flying across the room, slamming into the wall.</p><p>Dick nodded to the others in determination. “Very well then! I shall give the audience what they so desperately wanted! That’s what they came here for anyways, right?” He nervously sweated and smiled to the reader.</p><p>“Well, now, hooold on thar!” Dan cried out. “Who’s to say that’s what the Author wants, though? She daydreams about me every night, anyways.”</p><p>“Hey, I thought she dreamt about me every night!” Zorak gesticulated.</p><p>“I think I know my own limits within her imagination, thanks,” Penguin leaned back with an ungrateful snurk.</p><p>Bradford settled back into the table, unaffected. “Wait, I thought it was my turn to be with her for the next few nights.”</p><p>They all stared at the old buzzard in silence until Dan grabbed his beak and slammed his body hard against the floor.</p><p>Dick scratched his hat in confusion. “This girl’s got issues.”</p><p>Zorak smiled a smarmy smile. “The life of a young woman who has done no work outside of school work, a diploma that’s so close yet so far that cost her thousands of dollars that may or may not secure her a semi-decent job with minimal pay possible, with the world dying around her in late-stage capitalism, more and more people disappointing her in real life, and she finds some solace with cute cartoon villains that have struggled against the forces of the inevitability of losing each episode to the hero no matter how much effort and time they put into their plans to the point of imagining them doing adorable and soft things to entertain herself and cope with the awfulness of the world right now, and you say<em> she’s</em> got issues?"</p><p>The others ignored him as he spoke, but after he was finished Bradford, still lying on the ground, was then flung hard towards the ceiling and became stuck there for the next few minutes.</p><p>“Okay, fine!” Dick yelled, gesturing around the room. “I get it! If I want more eyeballs on these fics, I’m going to have to give the dear people of the internet what they so desperately crave for.”</p><p>“You’re going to strip?!” Penguin shouted in delight.</p><p>“What, no!” Dick shouted back, sweating. “I’m going to, uh-“</p><p>“You’re just going to put on that Officer Jaffe disguise again, aren’t you?” Dan remarked with a cocky smile.</p><p>“And then you’re going to strip?!” Penguin shouted in delight again.</p><p>“What, no…” he sweated some more, his eyes becoming shifty. “NO! I wasn’t…thinking of that at-“</p><p>“Face it, guys, he’s too much of a coward to do it like a man,” Dan articulated. “You know no one here wants to see you strip down as a hot lady.”</p><p>“B-but I like wearing that disguise,” Dick whined, genuinely upset. “I feel really pretty in it.”</p><p>“No no no no, that’s not what the viewers want to see,” Dan shook his head. “They want to see <em>you</em>, in your movie form. In. The. Nude. Look, do you want to help the Author out?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Do you want your stories to get more views?”</p><p>“Yes,” Dick declared with more conviction.</p><p>“Well, alright then, let’s see what you-“</p><p>“Why my movie form, though?”</p><p>Everybody groaned, and Bradford landed on the ground again.</p><p>“Dude, you’re already dragging this out for too long,” Zorak insisted.</p><p>“I don’t know,” the puny Dick looked at himself. “I think I look pretty d***ed fine to me like this.”</p><p>“Well alright then,” Dan pronounced, grabbing Dick by the front and hoisting him up. “Prove to us you’re up to snuff then.” He threw off Dick’s kimono and sent him naked and flying across the room, landing in the tiny garbage bin.</p><p>“This is unfair!” he announced, his narrow, slightly hairy chest heaving as he tried to hoist his ass out from the bottom of the can. “This is uncalled for! I don’t see any of you putting up with this nonsense!”</p><p>Dan cleared his throat as everyone glanced at him. “Now, turn on your movie form.”</p><p>“NO!” Dick bellowed, shaking his butt and the can around. “If they can’t appreciate me at my worse, then they don’t deserve to see me at my best!” The bucket fell over, making the sallow, hairy man fall over as well, still stuck in a fetal position.</p><p>“Well the others don’t have a problem with having some of their other forms more loved than-“ and within a flash, Bradford had picked up the Sword of Swanstantine, changed into his samurai form, and aimed a punch at Dan, which was easily missed as Dan sidestepped him and blasted a ghost ray at his back, sending him crashing into the wooden wall and knocking it down.</p><p>“Than their others.”</p><p>“What <em>does </em>she see in him?” Oswald tittered, standing in his live-action, younger form, sipping tea. Zorak, now a giant, realistic looking mantis, narrowed his eyes at him and crossed his pincers. Oswald replied back with the same look. “Oh, you’re one to talk.”</p><p>“You got one last chance, Dick,” Dan grinned. “Show the world what you’re made of.”</p><p>Dick gurumphed. “I’ll only show you that part of me if I get to show you my full, perfect body as it is now. I am as much loved in this form as my other, and I refuse to believe otherwise!”</p><p>“Well, if that means embarrassing yourself more than you have already, then be my guest,” Dan replied, smirking.  </p><p>“I don’t really care either way,” Zorak growled from above in a gigantic voice.</p><p>“Ooh, finally, I’ve been waiting all day for this,” Oswald declared, pulling out his opera glasses.</p><p>Bradford shuffled back with his suit mildly scratched, rubbing his head. “What were we talking about again?”</p><p>Dick took in a deep breath and got himself ready. “Alright, I’m ready. For the fans!” Dick turned over on his knees, stuck his ass up to the air and shook the can in front of Dan’s bored face. “Hoist this up, then!”</p><p>Dan held onto the can and pulled, the cascading pile of bottles, wet tissues, and fruit skins pilling all over Dick’s back and buttocks.</p><p>Dick stood up and stood proudly naked in front of them, hands on his skinny hips and smiling regally. The four others looked upon him disappointingly.</p><p>“Huh,” Dan pointed out. “I have to admit, with the name ‘Dick’, I did expect more.”</p><p>“I can’t even see anything from up here!” Zorak reported. “Can someone describe to me what it looks like?”</p><p>“It’s a good thing I brought these, then,” Oswald murmured as he corrected the lenses on the glasses.</p><p>Bradford could only squint. “Wait, I thought this sword had fixed my old cataracts.”</p><p>Dick looked at them all in shock, then at himself. “Wait- wait a second, what do you all mean-”</p><p>“If this is all you have to provide, then by all means you can keep it,” Dan stated in finality. He gave him the garbage can back. “Here, you might need this.”</p><p>Dick looked at the can with a pallid face, hot sweat pouring down his hairy body now, his mustache frizzled and on end. He looked ahead and, realizing what he’s done, and with his clothes nowhere in sight, he brought the can down and covered himself as much as he could. Now standing with a face quite red, he watched from the side of the room as the others returned back to their old forms and finished drinking their tea.</p>
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